Call Me Jen -- Facebook Status and Tweens

During a recent running errands-day with my 10-year-old, I left the bank with two chocolates that were given to me by the friendly banker. I handed one to my child and I ate the other.

 “He likes you,” my son informs me.

“Who?”

"The guy at the bank.”

<Imagine my shocked expression> “Why do you say that?”

“Because he gave you chocolate,” my sons says. “It’s a scientific fact that when a boy gives you chocolate, he likes you.”

“Well, I guess that’s not our next science project,” I replied. “Of course, he is getting paid to be nice to all his customers.”

I love that my son is still that naïve. It’s cute when the girl next door comes over with homemade cookies, for my son not me, of course. But recently I’ve noticed parents encouraging this naïveté to be taken even a step further – to Facebook.

“When a 12-year-old changes her relationship status to ‘In a Relationship,’ and her mother then ‘likes’ the post, something is seriously wrong,” my best friend told me recently.

Yes I agree 100 percent. My child absolutely does not and will not have a Facebook account. And if he did, why would I encourage him to take that step into a committed relationship that he’s not even old enough to understand the meaning of? Can’t we just stick to chocolates?

But then I began to wonder if maybe I’m just getting too old. Maybe I just don’t understand the new generations. Maybe I’m just an overprotective mother. So I asked a couple of experts and here’s what they had to say.

Health and Media Psychologist Nancy Mramor, PhD, said changing the relationship status suggests that you already had your status on your page in the first place – something she says is the beginning of the issue.

“If your tweens are: Well coached by their parents on the do's and don'ts of giving out personal information to anyone they do not know; using Facebook for people who would find out anyway through personal contact, close friends and family; stable and open with their parents about the content of their page, then changing status is just a part of the technology!” Mramor said. “However, if any of the above criterion are not met, then definitely leave relationship status out of the picture. If someone wants to know, they will ask you, and you can choose to reveal it or not! Better safe than at-risk. A tween's emotional status and stability should be taken into consideration.”

Tonya Genison Prince, author of The Comeback Woman: Life Lessons from Survivors, said changing the relationship status could cause concern with teen dating violence.

“Whenever you change your relationship status on Facebook, it comes with certain expectations,” Prince said. “To a young, insecure and controlling mind, changing your relationship status on Facebook can be more ironclad than a promise ring. Like adults, children have been killed while trying to leave an abusive or controlling relationship. The less glue there is around the relationship the easier it is to get out of.”

Hillary Homzie, associate visiting professor of children’s writing at Hollins University, said that as a parent of a tween and young teen, it’s hard not to notice how much Facebook has become part of the daily lives of young children.

“My latest book deals specifically with the issue of tweens and young teens ranking each other and posting this on Facebook, as well as other social media and the fallout and hurt feelings that this causes,” Homzie said. “Since I know that so many tweens out there are using Facebook as a means to communicate who they like and how they feel about other kids, I needed to reach those readers with my latest book, The Hot List (http://www.amazon.com/Hot-List-Hillary-Homzie/dp/1442406577) and let them know—‘Hey, you can really hurt your friends when you post who you like and who's attractive and who's not.’ The rule I'd like to communicate is -- if you wouldn't say something to someone in person, then don't put it or write it on your Facebook page … If you were ‘single’ would you go around telling everyone about it? No, probably not.”

Homzie said she didn’t allow her son to get a Facebook account until he was 13, and she noticed many of his friends were using the relationship status to signal that they were looking. 

“As a mom, this bothers me,” she said. “When you have a climate where relationship status is advertised at a very young age with social media, it creates an environment where many social conventions are thrown out the door. A good friend's daughter was devastated when her boyfriend actually broke up with her on Facebook through a posting. Naturally, she changed her status to single very quickly.”

If you decide to allow your child to have a Facebook account, every parent has the right to choose what stage their child is at, may I share some advice from the Washington County Task Force: Make sure your child knows from day one that if they are online (facebook, email, twitter, etc), that you will have access to their account at all times and will have a copy of all passwords; have an honest heart-to-heart talk with your child about the dangers of the internet, and check on them often – hurtful things can be said online that your child may want to talk about, but be too embarrassed to admit.

Jen Watkins is the Publisher  of St. George News and Director of Mrs. Utah United States. She also works as the PR and Social Media Director for a law firm in St. George.

She is a mother of two, journalist, blogger, columnist for Alive! Utah South, former marketing professional, and previously served as a police officer in the United States Air Force. She co-founded two networking groups in St. George and served as the Team Manager for the Chaparrals – RoadRunners baseball dance team.

Jen has been a reporter for many years, previously working as the Managing Editor for Today in Dixie and Sports Editor for the Park Record. She has volunteered with at-risk youth and the domestic violence council in Mountain Home, Idaho

www.CallMeJen.com